journal of hospital life

My God is faithful.

That's what He's been throughout the days of my life. Praise be to God on high.

thank you Lord for taking away the fears I had.
thank you Lord for watching over him when no one else could.
thank you Lord for healing his back.
thank you Lord for healing me and sustaining my health and emotions.
thank you Lord for your love that is greater than all things.

thank You.

i still remember the sick feeling of worry that knot up like my stomach was being wrung and twisted over and over again. i remember the ache that seized my heart - i was looking for you, and i lay on your bed alone in the cold, clutching your pillow and wishing for once that you were in its place. a silent tear fell. i remember that horrible, horrible, empty feeling.

i remember the immense heart-wrenching feeling of pain. you came back into the cold, cold ward - wheeled in on one of those scary-looking hospital beds. i saw the flutter of your eyelids as you struggled to keep your eyes focused on the figures moving around you. i remember your weak smile. as if you were trying through all that pain to tell me that you were alright. i remember the helpless feeling that ate me up inside. i wanted to run to your bedside. i wanted to... i didn't even know what i wanted to do. cus i knew i could do nothing to ease the pain behind your faint smile. when your vision fell on me, you gave me a -rawR- and the glimmer in your eye was still there, but i could feel your agony. yet you still tried.

i remember the hot tears that welled up. i remember the sound of the curtains being drawn. and the cruel sound of the metal of the bed. your groan tore my heart out. and again, waves of helplessness came crashing down. i dug my nails into my palms. and i never felt more inclined to curse anyone as much ever. the darned clumsy nurses. how could anyone do this to my baby. how could anyone.

i remember the blank dazed-ness. i knew not what to say or do for you. i could only touch your hand and stroke it with the little strength left within me. looking at you sapped me of my wellness. yet i knew i had to be strong for you.

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i remember the terrible morphine drip. the bottle of blood that hung from your bedside. and the horrible urine *how do you spell it?* i remember the lines of discomfort that crept across your face each time you tried to move.

i remember the first time in so long that i could not sleep. i remember waking up, and falling back into trance-like sleep before waking up again, to squint and check the clock, waiting for dawn to arrive. i remember the ache that crept through my bones and the yawn that enveloped my whole being. and i remember all of it leaving me once i laid eyes on your tired, worn face. i remember not being hungry at all, and still having the energy to stand for most parts of the day, not longing for a single wink of sleep. and i remember the immense fatigue that overcame me after that.

i remember how you'd stare blankly through my face and expressionlessly graze your gaze past my worried eyes. i remember how it hurt. how it hurt to feel unwanted and ignored. to be taken for granted. i remember the confusion and conflict in my spirit. the tears that would well up and then be swallowed. i knew it was not the time to be selfish. i knew my needs stood far below yours. so i stepped on my own hurt and longing for reciprocation of concern. i feared that things would change after the whole episode. that i would no longer find comfort or reciprocation of love from you. that i would have to continue to trample on my emotional hurts.

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i remember the way you look when you were asleep. the way your nose twiched, then your upper lip, and how you would clamp your teeth together as i stiffled a hearty laugh. i remember observing you with such amusement that i could just laugh for minutes sitting on your bed while watching you chomp in your sleep on the uncomfortable looking chair.

i remember the way you winced and held back the lethal glare when i accidentally bonked your hand and shoved the horrid drip thing up. i remember the mixture of guilt, relief and gladness that made me frown at myself. ask me why i was glad.

i remember your beaming face as you recovered. each time the doctors would affirm your good progress and how you would do even better the next day. i was worried that you would overstrain yourself. and i still do. but i trust in God who heals all. most of all, i pray you put your trust in Him.

i love you, my baby wolverine.

*things to mention when i'm more energetic : the stupid singh. the stupid nurses. and stupid you -pif-

itch.

when sudden fear grips,
my heart stops.
and i look heavenward,
for His peace.

i worry for your operation.

finally went to see the doctor today after deliberating for so long. not feeling too well with all those meds working in my system. kinda hyper alive yet dead-ish feeling. 2 more days of exams and i'll be free for my first real holiday in my entire lifetime of studying. well at least for once, there are totally no projects and assignments or school related rubbish to do during the upcoming 2 month break. thank God.

ugh. and the itch in my throat is killing me.

i'm tired yet awake. its a mighty strange feeling. and i have this strange urge to hug something... or someone. just that particular someone. a pity rawr is too small. (think pencil box size and similarly flat-ish with nothing inside) sighs. i wonder what things will be like in the weeks to come. honestly, i worry for my dearie's back. its strange cus i previously had God's peace. i think its the meds and the impending time of the month thing going. seriously terrible combination. oh yes, and not to mention, exam stress.

haven't had the motivation to study at all over the weekend. not too sure if i can make it for the coming 2 papers. We've got the guidelines for CS1.1 so it ain't that bad. just that i still can't get myself down to really studying for it, and the exam is tomorrow. oh joy.

Then there's CD1.2 which i think half the course populus has totally no idea about. no guidelines. no nothing. and the lectures were kind of a big mess without clear markers on what the module aims to accomplish. God's grace! i need God's grace! otherwise.... wait, no otherwise.

and i need to learn to speak to the sickness that so plagues me. it really seems that choy's perpetual/prolonged cough fabrication has weaved itself into reality. for me at least. *mutters under breath*

so many people i need to catch up with after my exams! let's make a nice little list so i won't forget...
1. there's Jo, who's going to York!
2. clement. but when will his prelims end?!
3. hanliang! oh gosh, wait, or is he already back in the states?
4. alex. we keep taking turns falling sick ey.
5. astro? meeps. i think dearie wouldn't like it.
6. didi and joshjosh. hehe. skating and the secret *****-******! i hope josh is a good teacher.
7. bryan... hmm.
8. shannon! yes shannon. 13th Sept ey? i'll try.

and to top that all off, i would need to spend most of my time looking after the bed-ridden penguin. i really hope he doesn't grow too fat in the process of lying in bed and playing RO all day. not very good for health dear.

and once again. i think i should go and study. or maybe i should just go sleep. ahh.

Please don't stop talking to me, Papa.

Just came back from the movie 'The Break-up'. i think Jennifer Aniston is elegant. and the show wasn't as good as i had hoped, but if any guy could understand what Brooke meant by: "I don't want you to wash the dishes! i want you to want to wash the dishes!", the he'd probably be halfway to understanding the temperaments of the female kind. but i suppose most guys won't really get it. its the whole i'm-dense-in-the-head thing. hmmm.

and 12 lemons, not 3. yes, the centrepiece means more to us than it does to you because we think beyond the lemons, and the dishes, and the ballet. tough to understand us girls now ain't it?

now enough about the movie. i have an exam tomorrow.

an exam tomorrow?

yeah you heard me right. and yes i did just go for a movie. but hey don't get me wrong. i'm neither so confident in my studies nor that much of an i-can't-care-less person... i just... couldn't really absorb much today. spent the morning (which i had originally planned to spend studying) being my mum's fashion consultant. not that my fashion sense is any good, but that's what happens when my sis's is not around. o wells. mum has some dinner function tonight and she was recking her brains on what to wear...

boy has she ALOT of clothes. black clothes. or black gown-ish things, for that matter.

so we ended up only reaching her office at about 12ish. and i couldn't really concentrate much the whole afternoon i spent there. come to think of it, out of this whole week, the only productive time i had was on tuesday, spending the whole day studying cd 1.1.

and now the rest of my study plans have gone down the drain yet again. bugger.

i think febs is good for my mental health. it keeps me alert and able to concentrate! but mucosolvan and rhinathyol w promonthazin (or however you spell that) kinda kills my brain. so perhaps i should take febs tmr... but it doesn't help my nose! ahhh. crapps.

LORD HEAL ME!

oh yes and here's a conversation i had with God today, while waiting for the bus to my mom's office.

me: gosh its so hot....

stares at the lady the beside me who starts spitting randomly across the bus stop.
she spits over my leg and her spittle lands a splat on the floor.

me: (ew. gross)

me: gosh God its so hot... could you mighty please just send us the bus.... please please please please please.......... ugh.

God: but i want to tell you about the trees i made

me: huh?!

notices this tree along the road that stood out from the rest. it seemed to be made up of little round bushels of leaves put together in a very cute fashion.

me: uh okay... it is kind of cute. yes God you are very creative in making trees.....

starts to wonder if the whole God-tree thing is just a figment of my imagination.

God: you know i love all of you so much that i made so many pretty things for all of you. like these trees. I planned every detail, now dont' you think its perfect? And it even provides good shade.

me: trying not to be rude. but God... i really don't want to hear about the trees right now... i just want the bus... i was getting impatient from waiting since morning for my mom, and then, for the bus.

*still wondering if it is all a figment of my imagination or whether i was actually talking to myself*

me: if it really were God, He'd send me the bus right away. but i feel so bad.

alter-ego: its like, you always hear stories about how other people treat God like Santa Claus... now you're doing it too... He tries to tell you something and you just demand what you want out of Him and disregard everything else. you hypocrite.

God: Alright then
and i swear i caught a hint of sadness in His voice. serious.

me: i must be imagining things.

turns around

the bus arrived.

ahhhhhhhhhhh.

and He was really trying to tell me how much He loved me.

ling, you ingrate!

i'm sorry Lord. Please forgive me.

back in the line

and here i am again. makes me wonder why. but that's for me to know and for you to find out.